Environmentally Correct Noah (joke)
And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until
the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are
destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living
thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash
of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six
months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my
Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no
Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed
into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big
problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and
your plans didn't meet he code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the
plans.
Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system.
Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City
Planning Commission.
Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there
was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and
still no owls.
Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was
that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the
Supreme Being.
Eighth, the Army Crops of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to
hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about
owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for
at least another five years," wailed Noah.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "The Democrats already have."